This
one’s for you. Yes you. Not for him. Not for her. It’s for you who sat in
darkness and heard voices but covered your ears.
I would not blame you this time, or myself. I would
not even lay anymore the blame on anyone else in this world. I would just like
to tell you everything and I am hoping to successfully deliver what I would like
to express through this. I do not need an answer or a response from you...
immediately. I know that as usual, you would not give any reaction to whatever
things I tell you that it makes me think you are “nothing” and that if you
exist, you do not give a damn. Now, I need you to simply listen and understand.
I would like to talk to you this way, sincerely. So please, give me this chance
to be heard by you.
I am certainly not happy. I do not feel hurt or sad,
too. I am not afraid as well and I am not anymore furious. I have gone tired of
thinking what am I supposed to feel. Yet, I do not mind. If this is how it is supposed
to be, I’m fine by it.
Truth is I want to stop breathing now and just die.
I have been through an endless succession of rising and falling. I am tired. I
am definitely tired of everything.
How many times do you think I called you for help?
Can you remember? Because I can’t. All those times I called your name, whatever
it is, I thought you have gone deaf.
Now tell me, should I ask help from you this time? I
am in trouble. It’s just I am so messed up with aimlessness. I do not know how
to free myself. I could not ask help from anyone, too. They might as well have
gone deaf. Of course, how could someone help me if I could not even help
myself? But is that enough for you not to listen?
For years, I have been resting all hopes on you. I
have been hoping I would stop doing the same stupid thing with your help. But
it was all to no avail.
I want to do a lot of things. Yet when I look at you
expecting for support, all you could give me is the word “impossible”. And yet
you tell us that we are nothing without you. So tell me, who do you think should
I expect to support me in fulfilling my dreams?
I know I am not one of your favorites. But is that
enough for my heart to get shattered again and again? You could have prevented
it from being crushed and destroyed. You know you could do that, you’re supreme,
aren’t you? But you allowed things to happen.
I know you heard me sometimes complaining at you. I
asked you already to tell me why, why, why. I waited for an answer. Yet not one
single answer from you.
Maybe you never existed at all. And if you do exist,
the protagonist in the book entitled “Hunger” was right- you are one gracious
monster on high. You are cruel. You create something only to destroy it in the
end. What is you point in doing so? Yet ironically, you tell us you love
everything you create. How could you allow something you love to get destroyed?
Clearly, I do not understand your ways. As much as I
would like to I would never understand for sure. It is because you refuse to
make me understand.
Do not ask me what is my problem. You. You are my
main problem. Because you are a puzzle, an unsolvable one.
I hope you do comprehend what I have been writing
here. I hope you would do something to at least give me a response, in any way,
shape or form. If not, then all my hopes are wasted again. Poor me.
