the tale of the invisible one

If only you could see me now. You could not. But I am here. I have been watching you silently for ages. I have not taken my stare away from you, not once.

It was a long long time ago when I first set my eyes on you. You were very busy doing what you had to do at that time. Until now, you do that very same thing- getting yourself busy.

I could not remember how, but when I happened to see you first, I started to go gaga over you. You always become the best in the world at everything you do. At least, that is how I see it. I laid and fixed my eyes on you.

I have been staring closely at you. I have been watching your every move. You have been absorbed in all the things you do. Yes, I have been looking at you for a very long time already, yet not once, you did notice.

To me, you are everything. You are the whole goddamn world. But to you, I am even worst than nothing. I do not exist in your world. You could not see me intently staring at you. But I am here. I swear, I am here. My eyes are on you.

If only you could see me now. You would see how miserably miserable I am for having been invisible to your eyes. Not once, you did notice. Not once. But I am here.

That hurts me. My eyes are piercing you. But not once, it did occur to you. It shatters me. Yet, I sealed my eyes on you.

Once, someone slapped me with that fact. And I cried. Not just because it tasted like copper in my mouth, but also because it is true. Absolutely, irrevocably true.

I cried like a baby. I cried because the truth hurts me. But then, that someone told me something. Maybe it was to console me but at least, it gave me hope.

She told me, "But who knows, he could have felt it."


Yes. Who knows, you could have felt my cold eyes fixed on you. You could have felt me staring at you. You could have felt my existence after all. But still, you could not see me. You could just feel me gazing at you and at everything you do. And you could not see me.

Fair enough. At least, I am not just the one helpless. If I am miserable, so are you. Only, it has not yet occurred to you.

Right now, I would still keep on watching you. My eyes would never leave you. But I am telling you, one day, these eyes would drive your sanity away. I swear.

One day, you would be able to see me. Rest assured, I would make that happen. No matter what, I would certainly make that happen. You will be then looking at the eyes that had spied on you for such a very long time. By then, I would be able to get what I want. I am certain about it.

If only you could see me now. You would see that I never wanted anything but you. You could not. But I am here.

state of misery address

It would have been easier if only I could have forgotten, but forgetting was not anymore an option.. and would never be. That is certainly not the solution for this curse I brought in for myself.

I have been thinking a while about something which I had been desiring. I imagined that something coming true. Of course, I experienced bliss for a few moments but after sometime, I realized that the coming true of that dream would never be enough. I would never ever be happy and satisfied. I know, I think of dreadful things sometimes. But I am not evil. It's just that I am human. Humans tend to be dissatisfied forever. That is how it's gonna be as long as they live. And the more I think about that fact, the more it depresses me.

It is really hard to understand oneself. But I tried to examine myself in the context of me being human which is to say, I try to comprehend myself by understanding human nature. But try as much as I to study myself vis- a- vis human nature, it all boils down into one fact: I am cruel.

Cruelty, perceived by many, is generally evil. But the perception of the many is not necessarily the truth. Therefore, it is not right to say that to be cruel is to be evil. But who cares about the nature of cruelty (if it is evil or not) here? People would always have their own opinions on something and I can do nothing about it as much as they can do with my own judgement of things.

Now, I would tell what was that desire I imagined to be coming true. That dream was the possibility of I loving you and vice versa. Yes, I imagined it and I was happy. But not for long.

That happiness ceased. I tried to continue imagining to be happy again and I got excited when I imagined myself bringing you pain. After that, I stopped daydreaming. I realized that if my dream of loving you and being loved by you would come true, I would desire for more and the only "more" I could ever desire is hurting you.

I wish I could forget everything about you. But as what I had said earlier, forgetting is not anymore an option to save myself from becoming a potential monster. You can never forget what you want to forget.

Now, I have taken that desire of loving you to the next level, which is hurting you. I am certainly going to make your life miserable. Not that I just want to but because I have to. I have to do it to be happy. I love you but can't have you, I might as well destroy you. 

L.O.M.L.

I can't wait to see you again on big screen. I have so much to do with my life right now. . so many options for me to choose, so many things to take on but all I can think about these past days is you being on the big screen again. Well, what can I do? Try as much as I to concentrate with living my life, I could not get you out of my head. Why is this so? Sometimes I just want to kill you. You know, I had this endless succession of gruesome images of you last time. But now, it is all over. So much of it. Now, all I want to do is watch you, no more, no less. Watching you is enough for me to get through this uneventful life of mine. I wish all the best for you, love of my life. :)

the- rain- won't- stop- i- can't- go- out- day

Rain, rain, go away, come again another day.

Got this from http://www.oasisofthoughts.wordpress.com. While I look at it, all I want to do is sleep. Outside, it is raining, too. But what can I do? If it is raining and I cannot go where I want to, who's fault was that?

Today is a sad day. Nothing much really happened to all effort I took on for the last couple of weeks. I am pertaining to my job hunting effort I took on. But if that is the case, again, who's fault was that. Anyway, I am not that sad. Actually, not at all. It's just that the room where I am in right now is gloomy. Outside, the rain would not stop. It's fine by me. I can go sleep for hours. Tomorrow, it would be another day. For a pessimist like me, it would be nice to think of positive things sometimes. Right now, I have to take a rest and who knows, I would be somewhere tomorrow.

A message to myself: Why such dark aura?

You smile yet that smile's not genuine. It is because you are made up of hatred, wrath, and bitterness. You could not let go of those extra negative baggage and damages you acquired from the past. Those are the reasons why you do not and would not like to have much friends. WAKE UP! The world would still keep on turning even without you. The sun would still rise and set even if you do not want it to. Life is good. Live.