state of misery address

It would have been easier if only I could have forgotten, but forgetting was not anymore an option.. and would never be. That is certainly not the solution for this curse I brought in for myself.

I have been thinking a while about something which I had been desiring. I imagined that something coming true. Of course, I experienced bliss for a few moments but after sometime, I realized that the coming true of that dream would never be enough. I would never ever be happy and satisfied. I know, I think of dreadful things sometimes. But I am not evil. It's just that I am human. Humans tend to be dissatisfied forever. That is how it's gonna be as long as they live. And the more I think about that fact, the more it depresses me.

It is really hard to understand oneself. But I tried to examine myself in the context of me being human which is to say, I try to comprehend myself by understanding human nature. But try as much as I to study myself vis- a- vis human nature, it all boils down into one fact: I am cruel.

Cruelty, perceived by many, is generally evil. But the perception of the many is not necessarily the truth. Therefore, it is not right to say that to be cruel is to be evil. But who cares about the nature of cruelty (if it is evil or not) here? People would always have their own opinions on something and I can do nothing about it as much as they can do with my own judgement of things.

Now, I would tell what was that desire I imagined to be coming true. That dream was the possibility of I loving you and vice versa. Yes, I imagined it and I was happy. But not for long.

That happiness ceased. I tried to continue imagining to be happy again and I got excited when I imagined myself bringing you pain. After that, I stopped daydreaming. I realized that if my dream of loving you and being loved by you would come true, I would desire for more and the only "more" I could ever desire is hurting you.

I wish I could forget everything about you. But as what I had said earlier, forgetting is not anymore an option to save myself from becoming a potential monster. You can never forget what you want to forget.

Now, I have taken that desire of loving you to the next level, which is hurting you. I am certainly going to make your life miserable. Not that I just want to but because I have to. I have to do it to be happy. I love you but can't have you, I might as well destroy you.