I Deserve to be Hanged

I deserve to be hanged. Yes, I do. Because I am cursed forever. I deserve to be hanged.

I deserve to be hanged because I am a mistake. All wrongs are part of my very nature. I deserve to be hanged.

I deserve to be hanged because all I do is destroy and hurt even myself.

How am I supposed to stop myself now? I've tried everything but still, nothing happened. If I could stop myself, I might have succeeded a long long time ago. Yet, here I am. Still, a perfect careless combination of  carelessness.

Something's got to give. I am going to end this once and for all. I do not know what way I am going to utilize this time but one thing is for sure- this would have to end or I am going to end. There must be an end to this.

an afternoon- nap- aftermath: my hair's a mess i guess

Waking up is the hardest thing to do on afternoons. Oh life. Such life. What a life this is.

So what do I do when I wake up from such naps? Nothing. What do I think about? Nothing.

Everything is nothing as much as this post is nothing.

Blah. Blah. Blah. I'm just bored.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

Let's just take pictures every time we wake up on afternoon naps. And this is the result.

Blah. Blah. Blah. I could not write anymore.

What would I write about? Nothing.
I'm just tired. :)

smile!

Smile even if it's gloomy. Yes, all we have to do is smile. Frowning would make us ugly. So, just smile. Everything will be fine. :)))

Smile even if it's not the right time to do so. It might not be appropriate at the moment, but why will you give a damn about the right time for smiling? Smile. Everything will be alright. ;)))

Smile even if everything sucks now. What the devil it is to you if nothing is right, if nothing is perfect? It's not your fault. So smile. Everything will soon be okay. :)))

Smile even if everybody hurts. It might be possible you have a hard time coexisting with them. But what can you do? You cannot live alone. So smile. Everybody will soon get what they deserve. Just smile. :))))))))))

why there are people better left unseen: the best tragedy that could ever happen to me

A few minutes ago, I read a blog by someone who does not do anything with social media. He justified it by telling that there are things better left unsaid. Then, I told myself, "whoa!".

I have been hooked to someone's voice few months ago. I would not tell how it happened. Like what the blogger had said, there are things better left unsaid. I have fallen in love with the voice, with that I am certain. But with the voice's owner, maybe not.

When I listened to him, I wished to see him once and for all. I love listening to him. Yes, I absolutely do though I have not seen him yet at that time. But after a long search everywhere in this vast web, I finally saw him.

Call it tragedy. He turned out to be someone else, not someone who I have imagined him to be. Maybe this was really the point of everything here. There are people better left unseen. Why? Because they turned out to be someone else, not someone we expected them to be. Call it tragedy. Still, it is my own fault. Oh, life. 

Dear Mr. Gray

Dear Mr. Gray,

I am asking myself now, could I actually be so happy, so satisfied with myself for this? The answer is certainly NO. How could one be happy? How would one be happy if one could not get what one wanted? I am nothing now but a balled mass of unfulfilled wishes, rotting alone in my own way.

But I do not blame you for this. No, not you. Please do not take it that I am writing you this letter because I blame you for all my misfortunes. I just wanted you to understand how you got involved in this hell I had dragged myself into.

Mr. Gray, I am suffering at the moment. I am in an inferno of sorrow, pain, hatred, wrath, and bitterness. It is simply all because I could not get the only thing I had ever wanted.

Sometimes Mr. Gray, when I look at you,  it feels like I am gazing at a distant star. And I could not get my hands on that star yet I really wanted to have it. Now, I know you get it why I decided to write you this. Yes Mr. Gray, you are the only thing I had ever wanted. Nothing more, nothing less. Just you.

I never asked for anything else. All my life, I always get what I needed so I do not have to ask for more. Getting what I need has always been more than enough.But the day came when my heart found out what it profoundly wanted.

Yet, circumstances surrounding both me and you would not allow me to get what it wanted and just simply be happy. They are not simple circumstances, I tell you Mr. Gray. They are somewhat facts that are meant to allow things to glide naturally their way. Things that are responsible for taking on smoothly what must be there. Things that are simply obliging with nature's course. You might not be able to comprehend what I am talking about here Mr. Gray, but know that these things are unconquerable forces guiding and forcing every single thing in this universe to follow a preconceived pattern. Getting what i wanted is not part of that preconceived pattern. Curse.

This is the cause of my misery, Mr. Gray. I wake up every morning, only to ask myself the same question, in absence of someone to address the question to- why, why, why?

Why did it has to be this way? Why did that scornful pattern have to be followed by all means and by all things in this hopeless universe? What gave it the right to treat everything as puppets subject to its own design? Maybe some had already asked the same questions like mine yet still, no one has rightfully received a fair answer. Poor creatures we are. What had we ever done to deserve this?

I tell you, the answers to my questions might not even exist and if that they do, they might not be enough to console us of the fact that we are merely subjects in multiple experiments performed by a monstrous someone or something somewhere. I could not carry on this suffering any longer. There must be an end to this.

Just try to keep up with it Mr. Gray. Know that I love you, no matter what.

Love,
Nameless

sitting by the doorstep, bored to death

Hello August! It took 7 days for me to realize that indeed it is already August. Yes, it is already August and I don't have a job yet. Great. Just great.

So here I am, sitting by the doorstep, taking pictures of myself and realizing I am quite a very perfect image of "just- got- out- of- college- and- bored- kid".

I never imagined that this is how life after graduation would be. Perfect. Though I am bored to death, I don't want to go back again, reminiscing school life. Though not absolutely, I feel fine living at home and doing what I have to do.

It would be easier for me now to contemplate on what I would want to do with my life. Right now, I don't have a plan. Maybe I would cry first for all the things I had not cried for. Then, I can move on. :)

the tale of the invisible one

If only you could see me now. You could not. But I am here. I have been watching you silently for ages. I have not taken my stare away from you, not once.

It was a long long time ago when I first set my eyes on you. You were very busy doing what you had to do at that time. Until now, you do that very same thing- getting yourself busy.

I could not remember how, but when I happened to see you first, I started to go gaga over you. You always become the best in the world at everything you do. At least, that is how I see it. I laid and fixed my eyes on you.

I have been staring closely at you. I have been watching your every move. You have been absorbed in all the things you do. Yes, I have been looking at you for a very long time already, yet not once, you did notice.

To me, you are everything. You are the whole goddamn world. But to you, I am even worst than nothing. I do not exist in your world. You could not see me intently staring at you. But I am here. I swear, I am here. My eyes are on you.

If only you could see me now. You would see how miserably miserable I am for having been invisible to your eyes. Not once, you did notice. Not once. But I am here.

That hurts me. My eyes are piercing you. But not once, it did occur to you. It shatters me. Yet, I sealed my eyes on you.

Once, someone slapped me with that fact. And I cried. Not just because it tasted like copper in my mouth, but also because it is true. Absolutely, irrevocably true.

I cried like a baby. I cried because the truth hurts me. But then, that someone told me something. Maybe it was to console me but at least, it gave me hope.

She told me, "But who knows, he could have felt it."


Yes. Who knows, you could have felt my cold eyes fixed on you. You could have felt me staring at you. You could have felt my existence after all. But still, you could not see me. You could just feel me gazing at you and at everything you do. And you could not see me.

Fair enough. At least, I am not just the one helpless. If I am miserable, so are you. Only, it has not yet occurred to you.

Right now, I would still keep on watching you. My eyes would never leave you. But I am telling you, one day, these eyes would drive your sanity away. I swear.

One day, you would be able to see me. Rest assured, I would make that happen. No matter what, I would certainly make that happen. You will be then looking at the eyes that had spied on you for such a very long time. By then, I would be able to get what I want. I am certain about it.

If only you could see me now. You would see that I never wanted anything but you. You could not. But I am here.

state of misery address

It would have been easier if only I could have forgotten, but forgetting was not anymore an option.. and would never be. That is certainly not the solution for this curse I brought in for myself.

I have been thinking a while about something which I had been desiring. I imagined that something coming true. Of course, I experienced bliss for a few moments but after sometime, I realized that the coming true of that dream would never be enough. I would never ever be happy and satisfied. I know, I think of dreadful things sometimes. But I am not evil. It's just that I am human. Humans tend to be dissatisfied forever. That is how it's gonna be as long as they live. And the more I think about that fact, the more it depresses me.

It is really hard to understand oneself. But I tried to examine myself in the context of me being human which is to say, I try to comprehend myself by understanding human nature. But try as much as I to study myself vis- a- vis human nature, it all boils down into one fact: I am cruel.

Cruelty, perceived by many, is generally evil. But the perception of the many is not necessarily the truth. Therefore, it is not right to say that to be cruel is to be evil. But who cares about the nature of cruelty (if it is evil or not) here? People would always have their own opinions on something and I can do nothing about it as much as they can do with my own judgement of things.

Now, I would tell what was that desire I imagined to be coming true. That dream was the possibility of I loving you and vice versa. Yes, I imagined it and I was happy. But not for long.

That happiness ceased. I tried to continue imagining to be happy again and I got excited when I imagined myself bringing you pain. After that, I stopped daydreaming. I realized that if my dream of loving you and being loved by you would come true, I would desire for more and the only "more" I could ever desire is hurting you.

I wish I could forget everything about you. But as what I had said earlier, forgetting is not anymore an option to save myself from becoming a potential monster. You can never forget what you want to forget.

Now, I have taken that desire of loving you to the next level, which is hurting you. I am certainly going to make your life miserable. Not that I just want to but because I have to. I have to do it to be happy. I love you but can't have you, I might as well destroy you. 

L.O.M.L.

I can't wait to see you again on big screen. I have so much to do with my life right now. . so many options for me to choose, so many things to take on but all I can think about these past days is you being on the big screen again. Well, what can I do? Try as much as I to concentrate with living my life, I could not get you out of my head. Why is this so? Sometimes I just want to kill you. You know, I had this endless succession of gruesome images of you last time. But now, it is all over. So much of it. Now, all I want to do is watch you, no more, no less. Watching you is enough for me to get through this uneventful life of mine. I wish all the best for you, love of my life. :)

the- rain- won't- stop- i- can't- go- out- day

Rain, rain, go away, come again another day.

Got this from http://www.oasisofthoughts.wordpress.com. While I look at it, all I want to do is sleep. Outside, it is raining, too. But what can I do? If it is raining and I cannot go where I want to, who's fault was that?

Today is a sad day. Nothing much really happened to all effort I took on for the last couple of weeks. I am pertaining to my job hunting effort I took on. But if that is the case, again, who's fault was that. Anyway, I am not that sad. Actually, not at all. It's just that the room where I am in right now is gloomy. Outside, the rain would not stop. It's fine by me. I can go sleep for hours. Tomorrow, it would be another day. For a pessimist like me, it would be nice to think of positive things sometimes. Right now, I have to take a rest and who knows, I would be somewhere tomorrow.

A message to myself: Why such dark aura?

You smile yet that smile's not genuine. It is because you are made up of hatred, wrath, and bitterness. You could not let go of those extra negative baggage and damages you acquired from the past. Those are the reasons why you do not and would not like to have much friends. WAKE UP! The world would still keep on turning even without you. The sun would still rise and set even if you do not want it to. Life is good. Live.

Bobby

"Bobby," I muttered.
Silence.
"Bobby, why aren't you leaving?" I asked.
Silence.
I started crying. I cried for how long, I do not know. After some time, I wiped my tears with my hands.
"You know," I said, "I know that you would not like to leave. It was just me assuming that someday you would. But still, you wouldn't. So maybe the right question would be- Bobby, why are you still here?"
Silence.
I laughed. Then, I started weeping again. "You were once out of my life," I told him, "But look at you now. Look at you now, huh?"
I laughed once again with my tears still coming out of my eyes. I can't understand how could I manage doing such thing. Somehow, I started to think that something is wrong with me.
"Bobby," I cried, "I never wanted you to materialize in front of me, just like now. What do you think would I do to make you go away? Please, just get away from me. Please, just stop touching me."
Silence.
"I tried to get rid of you many times already but you are always coming back. I stabbed you to death already. I had shot you with a gun, slashed your throat, hanged you, buried you alive, burned you to hell and so on. But still, you are here."
Silence.
"Tell me, what else should I do to get rid of you?."
Still silence.
I let out a deep sigh.
"Hey, get up from there. What are you doing?" said someone who tapped me from behind. I turned around and saw my mother. "It's time to take your medicines," she reminded me.
"But Mom, I'm still talking to Bobby," I complained. My mother smiled slightly at me.
"That's a wall dear you are talking to."
I turned around to see but still, it is Bobby. He is staring at me.

If killing Bobby would not make him disappear, why kill him again?
Define INSANITY. Expecting a different ending, yet doing the same thing..  over and over again.